Two UBTs from a day or two ago:

1) I’m standing at my stop, waiting for my normal bus (which never comes… fscking MTA restructuring), when another bus pulls up and starts letting passengers off. It sits there longer than usual, and I see that the driver is going back to let out a handicapped person through the back exit motorized platform. He brings up the platform, the wheelchair rolls onto it, and slowly, the most majestic handicapped person I have ever seen is lowered from the bus.

This portly man had:

  • A wide-brimmed black velvet pimp hat, complete with bright green feather (sombero-sized)
  • A velvet tiger-print vest, rife with clever pin-on buttons
  • Neon orange scotchlite wheels (that sort of glowed when you looked at them)As he’s lowering, I see a dog head peek out from underneath the wheelchair. Once he got down off the bus, the dog got out from under the chair — it was a sleek thing, aesthetically pleasing except for the trash bag it was wearing (with holes for its legs) and its neon red collar.

    Once he gets off the bus, one of his legs has fallen out of its brace, and he asks me to help him. I get down on one knee, and do just that. I felt like the Prince in Cinderella. Shortly after that, the guy calls his dog to him, leashes the dog to his wheelchair, and he’s off.

    Shortly thereafter I notice that he is not actually pushing his chair — his dog is pulling him. And that leash? It’s a pair of handcuffs.

    I salute you, o valiant wheelchaired man. May you go well into that sweet Van Nuys beyond.

    2) I get to my train stop, and start descending the stairs as usual (I never take the escalator, as it is populated by slow, slow people), except I notice a wheelchair at the bottom of the stairs. And a man on the floor in front of it.

    I hurry down the escalator, and see that, yes, an 50-something grizzled man with one arm and one foot is laying on the ground. He doesn’t have any bruises, or any injuries, it seems, and is breathing. A couple other guys gather around, and we shake him, asking if he’s okay.

    “Yes, I’m fucking okay, I’m just trying to take a fucking nap! Leave me the fuck alone!”


    Couple minutes later, I’m standing around, and see an LAFD guy looking around the subway platform. He calls to someone, “Nope, nothing else.” I follow him and see that the Old Coot, still laying on the floor, is surrounded by 7 LAFD and LAPD officers. They are asking him if he’s okay, what he’s doing, etc.

    “I’m trying to take a fucking nap! Go the fuck away! Who the fuck are you! I’m not telling you my fucking name! What’s your fucking name?! Go back to hell, you cocksuckers! I hope you go to hell and the devil! Don’t help me in my fucking chair, I can do it myself, you asshole!”

    After about 5 minutes of trying to get the man to tell them his name, the bemused crowd of LAPD/LAFD guys clean up a bit and wander off, as he swears at them.

    All is peaceful again.

    5 minutes later:

    Old Coot wheels over, around 15 feet away from most of the passengers, and begins yelling, “Which one of you cocksuckers took my vodka?!” Apparently he did not see or hear the LAFD guys taking the booze he’d spilled on the floor and telling him they were throwing it away. The one-armed man continued, “Was it you, Blue Jeans, over there? I’m gonna fuckin’ throw you in front of this train. Was it you, Big Titties? I’ll fuckin send you all to hell and the devil, I’m gonna fuckin throw all you cocksuckers in front of the train!”

    Shortly thereafter an on-patrol LAPD guy came up, started asking him what the trouble was. Again, Old Coot starts cussing and being an ass to the cop. It is around the time that he threatens to throw the cop in front of the train that the cop’s partner walks up behind him, takes his wheelchair, and starts rolling him backwards, towards the elevator. He was cursing and screaming, but unable to really do much but get pushed around…