Jason Porath

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Date: March 24, 2005

Chronicles of the Burger Wars, vol. 1

I began pondering, earlier today, about spies. Specifically, rogue spies. In the spy world, it is expected and accepted that one could “go rogue.” I would imagine that, by now, it is viewed with such humdrum monotony as to barely muster an assassination.

I began to wonder – why can’t other professions “go rogue”?

Specifically, the fast food industry.

Consider, if you will, the following scenario:
Juan is a normal burrito jockey at Del Taco. He flips fast, there’s no complaints from the management. But secretly, he has a higher allegiance, to his clandestine lord, Taco Bell. Fully one third of his burritos do not make it to Del Taco customers — instead, through a complicated system of secret passageways, burger mules, and chipotle smuggling, Taco Bell reaps the benefits of his illicit burrito creation. He has “gone rogue.”

I see our good friend Juan as but a footsoldier in this shadow war. Behind the scenes, behind the smoke and mirrors, is a power struggle between Jack, of Jack in the Box, and Colonel Sanders. When Jack was a youth, he and the Colonel both worked in a fast food research lab, and were, by all accounts, good friends. However, a tragic accident involving some acidic chicken grease scarred Jack for life, turning him into the round-headed tyrant we see today. This incident drove a spike between the two friends, and heralded the start of their lifelong battle.

Sanders himself was a master of biology, a legend in his time. It is no accident that the chain has changed its name to KFC — for those are no longer chickens, but biologically engineered chicken clones! Sanders has used the technology on himself, and cloned himself innumerable times. Every assassination attempt has so far failed, as Jack has killed but a body double… but the stakes are increasing… and Jack wants to move East, and take the Colonel’s territory…

…and so we begin our Chronicles of the Burger Wars.


I had a dream last night where Optimus Prime, suddenly like 2-3 times his normal size, had gone rogue and decided to hunt down and kill my entire family.

This chase ended up at this abandoned forest ski lodge in the dead of winter, with both me and my brother Benji sledding down a forested slope as fast as we could, as Optimus Prime barrelled down after us. Eventually we came to this area with loop-de-loops made out of ice and neat slide stuff like that, and Prime couldn’t get through. So we ran to the lodge and got some cocoa. I think Jeremy was trying on ski equipment when I woke up.

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