A preface, to anyone who reads this: I’m going to be somewhere between sporadic and non-existent in levels of contact over the next fuck-knows-how-long. I may be disappearing from LA for a bit, depending on how work goes. If I get my druthers, then I may just be driving off aimlessly for a month or so.
As I was growing up and still a practicing Jew, there was a curious prayer that was part of services. As you chant “slach lanu, mechal lanu, kaper lanu,” you’re supposed to strike your chest, as a symbol of atonement. My brother Jeremy and I would often go a little overboard, hitting ourselves with increasing force, like apes beating our chests. I remember once or twice I actually left bruises. Big black fist-shaped marks.
All that’s to say, there’s a bit of a precedent for me beating the shit out of myself. You see, I’m sort of mid-meltdown right now. I’ve done a lot of really questionable stuff over the past 4, 5, 6 years, a lot of stuff I am not able to forgive myself for. Pretty much everyone else who’s been involved with my mistakes doesn’t think anything of it. They consider it water under the bridge, just bygones or youthful indiscretions, but I can’t. Or rather, I could. For a long time, I didn’t think anything of my actions, because I didn’t think anything of… well, anything. I just sort of barreled straight ahead, and didn’t let small things faze me. That may be vague, but… at this point, I’m having enough trouble just accepting who I am and what I’ve done, let alone talking about it, so there you go.
I mean, to my credit, I think it’s good that I am sort of breaking down over this. I want and need to be a better person. It’s a bizarre testament to my character, I guess.
So all this is catching up to me. And I just need to let it wash over me, turtle up, and just take off for a bit. I’ve already deleted around half of my AIM contacts, 3/4ths of my phone numbers, and deleted my myspace, friendster, and okcupid profiles. I’m close to deleting facebook, but don’t know if I’m going to carry through with it. I’m sorry for anything I’ve done to hurt any of you all, and sorry for the upcoming streak of incommunicada, but it’s sort of necessary.
See y’all on the other side.