Jason Porath

has a website, i guess

Month: March 2005

Hello from the other side of the lunatic fringe

Oh, this is just too good — it’s the pitch for the first conservative comic book:


America’s future has become an Orwellian nightmare of ultra-liberalism. Beginning with the Gore Presidency, the government has become increasingly dominated by liberal extremists. In 2004, Muslim terrorists stopped viewing the weakened American government as a threat; instead they set their sites on their true enemies, vocal American conservatives. Terrorist assassins have thinned the ranks of the vocal Right. The few conservatives that survived attempts on their lives have been forced underground by the oppressive “Coulter Laws” of 2007. In order to further their cause, they have joined forces and formed a powerful covert conservative organization called “The Freedom of Information League”, aka F.O.I.L.

The New York City faction of F.O.I.L. is lead by Sean Hannity, G. Gordon Liddy and Oliver North, each uniquely endowed with special abilities devised by a biomechanical engineer affectionately named “Oscar”. F.O.I.L. is soon to be joined by a young man named Reagan McGee. Reagan was born on September 11th, 2001. Reagan has grown to manhood in an ultra-liberal educational system: being told, not asked, what to think. With personal determination, which alienates him from his contemporaries, he has chosen the path less traveled…the path to the Right.

Two decades of negotiation with the U.N., and America’s administration of 2021 (President Chelsea Clinton and Vice President Michael Moore), has culminated in a truce with fundamentalist Islamic terrorists, or so America is told. The honorable ambassador from Afghanistan has come to NYC to address the U.N., his name is Usama Bin Laden.

Although, Ambassador Bin Laden has announced that he will publicly apologize for the “misunderstanding” of the events of 9/11. In actuality, he intends on detonating a tactical nuke that is contained in his private diplomatic briefcase. It is a race against the clock to save NYC from a nuclear holocaust and the world from liberal domination. Only with F.O.I.L.’s help, can “Liberality For All” once again become “Liberty For All!”

Chronicles of the Burger Wars, vol. 1

I began pondering, earlier today, about spies. Specifically, rogue spies. In the spy world, it is expected and accepted that one could “go rogue.” I would imagine that, by now, it is viewed with such humdrum monotony as to barely muster an assassination.

I began to wonder – why can’t other professions “go rogue”?

Specifically, the fast food industry.

Consider, if you will, the following scenario:
Juan is a normal burrito jockey at Del Taco. He flips fast, there’s no complaints from the management. But secretly, he has a higher allegiance, to his clandestine lord, Taco Bell. Fully one third of his burritos do not make it to Del Taco customers — instead, through a complicated system of secret passageways, burger mules, and chipotle smuggling, Taco Bell reaps the benefits of his illicit burrito creation. He has “gone rogue.”

I see our good friend Juan as but a footsoldier in this shadow war. Behind the scenes, behind the smoke and mirrors, is a power struggle between Jack, of Jack in the Box, and Colonel Sanders. When Jack was a youth, he and the Colonel both worked in a fast food research lab, and were, by all accounts, good friends. However, a tragic accident involving some acidic chicken grease scarred Jack for life, turning him into the round-headed tyrant we see today. This incident drove a spike between the two friends, and heralded the start of their lifelong battle.

Sanders himself was a master of biology, a legend in his time. It is no accident that the chain has changed its name to KFC — for those are no longer chickens, but biologically engineered chicken clones! Sanders has used the technology on himself, and cloned himself innumerable times. Every assassination attempt has so far failed, as Jack has killed but a body double… but the stakes are increasing… and Jack wants to move East, and take the Colonel’s territory…

…and so we begin our Chronicles of the Burger Wars.

30777

I had a dream last night where Optimus Prime, suddenly like 2-3 times his normal size, had gone rogue and decided to hunt down and kill my entire family.

This chase ended up at this abandoned forest ski lodge in the dead of winter, with both me and my brother Benji sledding down a forested slope as fast as we could, as Optimus Prime barrelled down after us. Eventually we came to this area with loop-de-loops made out of ice and neat slide stuff like that, and Prime couldn’t get through. So we ran to the lodge and got some cocoa. I think Jeremy was trying on ski equipment when I woke up.

30507

The strange case of the homosexual necrophiliac duck pushed out the boundaries of knowledge in a rather improbable way when it was recorded by Dutch researcher Kees Moeliker.

You mean… you… saw… Duck? And… oh dear. Oh dear.

Link.

30368

So I just went to the bathroom at work, and as I was washing my hands, a well-dressed gentleman came in, washed his hands, and -then- used the urinal.

…is he up on some hygiene trick that I am not? I mean… wouldn’t you just need to wash your hands again, like in thirty seconds?

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