Those of you who were never into comics may not understand the following link, so let me give you a short primer on comic history. Back in the 70s, Hostess Fruit Pies was a big advertiser in comic books, both Marvel and DC. They would license the popular characters (Captain America, Batman, Spider-Man, Superman, etc) and make a one-page comic in which the hero would subdue the villain somehow with the aid of Hostess Fruit Pies. Such plots included gems like a Captain America villain creating a super-sentient, omnipotent Power Cube, which spent its time lusting after Hostess Fruit Pies instead of destroying Captain America. This is not a joke. This really happened.

Recently, Marvel has been doing a lot of stuff which references its early history, including making references to Daredevil’s first costume (bright yellow and red… proof that he’s really blind), and lame villains like Stilt-Man. Part of this is drawing upon Hostess Fruit Pies ads. In fact, one of the more popular writers at Marvel, Brian Michael Bendis, has been creating a few of his own.. including one that got rejected, using the Punisher.

For those of you not in the know, The Punisher is probably the most violent superhero in mainstream comics, Spawn included. He’s an ex-Vietnam vet, and he basically finds bad guys and kills them in unpleasant ways. One of his persistent villains is Jigsaw, a guy whose face looks like a Jigsaw puzzle after corrective surgery to deal with what The Punisher did to him.

All this is to say, The Punisher is -not- a prime candidate for Hostess Fruit Pies ads. And yet, they made a script for it anyways. With such gems as “I’ve finally managed to corner The Hooker Hacker, and all I’ve got left is a garrote! And it’s all sticky with pimp-blood!”

Here’s the script.